I have grown up in a very strange and unwanted place, with a strange and well should not say unwanted family. Time and time again, I had a Bio father, would would strike my mother and I , steal pills and binge drind, and cut his wrists in front of his two daughters. Right, right, we were very young and my little sister harldy remebers, but I could see everything so clearly. I was scared. How could I manage such a life style. Mother was always gone, and father was always entoxicated with the devil.
After my father had left, my mother had met somebody else. She would always go out with him, and my sister and I were in a daycare center, going to school. Soon we were to old to be in daycare, and we stayed with an old friend of our mother's, while mother was always gone.... I never got to know her, and she never got to know me, like she thinks she does.....
Well time went by, and my mother had be remarried... I loved the man actually. I started calling him dad a month later. But the problem was, I did not know my mother... I was detatched, after the neglection. That was the one problem, I was not able to sit with them as a whole family. I felt lost, because I had never had that whole family feeling... So I had ignored the fact that I was a daughter.
I went into jr high, and met the wrong kind of friends and did the wrong kind of things. I started to smoke pot, and swear, and beat myself down with a razor. ( Panic attacks ) I was not in a healthy state... In the eighth grade, I was fourteen and I was Raped, (I hate that word) That is how I had my virginity stolen from me...otherwise I would still be a virgin today I was pregnant with the man's kid and had a miscarriage at four months... I had the choice to not have sex, but I felt nasty and pathetic, and had sex with my last to boyfriends. Really, this behavior has no excuse, even if the rape was not my fault...I still could make choices.
Well, things went down hill from there....I was smoking pot, crack, and spice. I was sneaking out at night with my friends. I was a little monster. But the worst part was....I blamed everyone else but myself...I Blamed my Bio father, who had betrayed my family. I had blamed my mother, who had neglected me, and yet, I could not blame myself. The guilt did not appear clear to me. My REAL father ( Step dad ) Was struck by Satans Disese, Cancer. He was dying.
I was thrown in Nebraska with my Bio, at 15, and became homeless with that lousy man, that things had only gotten worse... I was in a mental hospital for three months of attemted suicide on Whiskey and trazadone..The devils poisons did not devoure me though. I was sad, hurt, angry, depressed, and naming all the other indifferent emotions in the book.
I had moved into Tahoe, December, when I was 16, and not long, my Father died of January 5th....
I had moved out of the house in Febuary, with friends, cause I could not take the pain, or the damage that I cause for my family.... Yes...I actually started to blame myself for everything.....
I did weed, wax, meth, pot, molly, coke, alcohol, LSD, LSA, and Oxxies. Nasty Nasty stuff.....I was not proud.....till one day I did LSA, and a satanic ritual that came about, changed me forever.
I needed Jehovah..... I had told my x about him...but he only went to meetings because "I" asked him to....I still went no matter what, but I had to get back to Jehovah..SO I moved back home, on September 21st. My X was not the one for me.....But there is a man, that moved into my life...that thought I'd never see being the one...and He is my Pancake.... I love him deeply...and most intently.
I Thank Jehovah everyday for him, and I also thank Jehovah everyday, for saving my life.
Yes, you read my past, and people can see why I can never let go, and I always feel shame, but it does not Change my love for god, and my love for Charles. <3 I love them both, and I could never ask for any life better.